i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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