Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
