I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
