Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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