Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
