So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
