He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
NoShamevember. You game?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
