I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
