I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
