Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
