dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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