Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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