I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
