i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
