Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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