btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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