Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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