p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
