you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
