Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was born a porn star she said
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
