chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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