Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
