There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
