We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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