if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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