My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you didnt know i had herpes?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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