So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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