my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
