anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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