I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
