im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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