he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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