Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
