my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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