I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
