my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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