just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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