Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
