Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
