I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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