Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
