i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
