I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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