im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
