So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
