I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
