We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
