So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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