so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
