Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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