Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
