u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
